Mind over Matter

I was told by someone who I admire and respect recently that it's "mind over matter". That person was saying this in regards to a skill I was working at. The said skill is an important skill and one that must be learned, a hurdle I am getting over. During this drill I went through and did this skill four times, 3 times I got stuck in an opening of the fake wall with complete turn out gear and air pack. While doing this drill my face mask had wax paper over it so to simulate being in a smoke filled interior, also the lights were out. We had to crawl on our hands and knees breathing air get through the hole in the wall and then follow the hose line till we got to a A-frame type thing to climb over, then continue to either the victim or to the tunnel made out of metal barrels. First time I was part of a 3 man RIT (Rapid intervention Team) we had to go relieve the team that was trying to rescue the victim. Got through the hole fine going out got to the victim and we got 'him' back. Got myself hung up in the wall a bit but worked it out and got to the other side. I didn't freak when taking off my air mask like I did at the first drill. I felt like I was gaining ground. We had a break and then we were up again. This time we were going to rescue the victim. I put my mask on, can't see a thing but by then I was becoming accustom to the feeling. I was working by just closing my eyes. You have to rely on touch and sound and I was getting over that hurdle of not seeing and breathing air and not freaking out. I felt like I was gaining ground. Even if I wasn't doing a lot I was trying. I did manage to pull the victim a bit but then my air was running out and I had the 'vibe alert'. So now we need the RIT team to come help us. So still I was not panicking. I knew in reality the air was fine, I still had air to breath from my tank and I knew I could get back to the opening. Got over the A- frame and then we got to the wall and I was up against the wall, the victim and my team members and trying to find the blasted opening. There was a lot of vocal instruction and the RIT team may have been there with us I don't know I couldn't tell or see. Someone pushed me to the opening and I went too high. I got hung up but this time while trying ... I wedge myself more. Then I panicked ! Someone said crawl through or something to that affect but I couldn't. That's when after someone tried to pull me I said "Get me out of here, I don't like this feeling" or something to that affect. Someone tried to pull me but that made it worse so then someone pushed me down more which did the trick. I still didn't rip off my mask when I got to the other side which for me I think was a victory.
At that point it was about 8pm and I needed my tank changed out. I wanted to go back again but they had teams picked. So I stood with my new air tank and drank water. Then one of my classmates came and turned off my tank but I kept it on till I knew for certain I wasn't needed.
I was told last night it's all in your head and you have to get over it. That it's mind over matter... Yes ,it's mind over matter and it's mind over matter each time I put that pack on or the mask. It's mind over matter each time I crawl or crawled on my belly to get through a small opening that some have to take their packs off to crawl through. It's mind over matter when you have your mask covered with wax paper but you keep telling yourself "it's ok, it's fine" and you manage to do the task given, even if you didn't think to crawl through the tunnel feet first (I didn't have to go through the tunnel this time)
Only one person said "good job" . My other classmates were told good job... I was only told basically "She knows what we talked about..." so despite the fact that I managed to do what I was told to do and did unstick myself 2 times out of 4 and not freak. The one time I did get royally stuck and needed help I was not told "Good Job" only "Mind over matter".
Lets discuss mind over matter for those who have never gone through some real life situations that REALLY at that time needed 'mind over matter'
Mind over matter:
May of 1997 on the road from Phnom Penh going home about 45 min . out from Kampot. To this day I will remember the spot. As we came round the corner a group of 3 men, Khmer Rouge soldiers came and stood in the road. I dressed with a head and face covering like a Cham Muslim to keep me safe so they wouldn't know(if this ever happened) I was a blue eyed American Woman. My driver said "head down, don't let them see your face or we are all done for." I had a 5 month old baby on my lap. He was asleep till he felt me tense. The men were screaming at us to open our windows, open our doors. My driver saying over and over "Don't, keep your head down!" My son starting to cry. He had blonde , blonde hair so he would have been a dead give away, never mind me... It was mind over matter to keep my head down and not panic like a rabbit cornered in the bushes. Even though on the other side of my window a man stood with a AK-47 pointed at my head, screaming at me to open the door. It was this same road that in 1995 backpackers were kidnapped and later killed by some of these same soldiers.
It was mind over matter during the Coupe that same year trying to stay calm for 5 days while we ran out of food and supplies and at night laying on the floor listening to gun fire.
It was mind over matter a month after loosing a baby, my neighbor's son, my own son's best friend drowned and me being the only person in the area trained in any kind of CPR or EMT skills brought him back.
I have had enough real situations that have shown me "Mind over matter". More then I care to relate. Grenade attacks... teach my children "Hit the deck drills" because it may save you some day. My daughter and I were laughing about it just the other day but it was no laughing matter living in Cambodia. It was mind over matter when my son's friend said to him when he walked out with a pirate shirt on. "We know where some are just behind your house..." We had a killing field behind our house. We walked out to the salt field and then it dawned on me with numerous children around me, "has this field been de-mind?" says I. No one knows. So mind over matter, calmly retracing our steps, get to safety , find out if the field had been de-minded, then call the monks. We indeed had a killing field behind our house. Our cook said she could remember people being marched past her house, probably to their deaths.
So yes, I still have a lot to learn. I will never be up to par with the young guys BUT I was told by someone "that everyone brings something to this..." "Even me?"
"Yes, you do."
I still don't know. I still feel pretty rotten. I think positive reinforcement works better with me .
So life for me every day is 'mind over matter'.

This Saturday morning

Well for the moment it is sunny which makes me really happy. Got up late this morning... 6:30. Normally I am up at 5am so this is late for me. Made my tea and came up here to look at email and such. This morning I am going to organize notes and prior tests I have taken to start studying for my written end test(s).
My book is back in the hands of my editor and I will see it one more time before it goes to print.
I am going to have a photo shoot with Patrisha McLean, who is a great b&w photographer and wife of songwriter Don McLean, who wrote 'American Pie'. You can see her work on the web by just typing in her name.
In between studying which I feel is all I do right now except when I have my manuscript back. I try to get knitting in and reading or research. Right now I am reading on my Kindle "Casting Off" by Nicole R. Dickson. I'm actually re-reading it and love. Then I am also reading the third in a series by Pamela Kaufman "The Prince of Poison". The first two in the series are "Shield of Three Lions" & "Banners of Gold". Two books are waiting, well no three... "Shadows of a Down East Summer" by local author Lea Wait. "Don't Worry, Mother" An Innocent Abroad on the Eve of War. By another local author Ann Morris and then "Here be Dragons" by Sharon Kay Penman. So maybe I will get them read but I know within the month I will have my book back for a final peek. Then it will get printed and become official. Also by then I will be done with FF 1 & 2.
It seems when things are so busy and there is an area of uncertain I gravitate back to books and or hobbies that bring me comfort. I love to knit but right at the moment I don't have the time for cranking out hats ,one a week or reading a book in a couple of days but at least I am finding the time to balance my self out so I don't burn out before I finish my classes.
With Fire Fighting and even in just my classes and training I'm maxed out physically and then I run at least 4 or 5 times a week. Last week I suffered a few more bumps and bruises from class and it took me a while to recover . This next week will be three nights of class and or training... Monday night will be cold water rescue. I have a feeling I will be Donning gear to take the plunge. Last time I just manned the lines. The next Monday will be Pump Operating with Bob as Instructor. Normally I wouldn't go BUT I want to just get the instruction for the hoses and tools that I might encounter on a call or on my end test. Then the following Monday will be Search and Rescue... I can picture my instructor and Assistant Chief doing entrapments. This will not be pleasant for me though I will be with a partner, (I hope). They usually lower wires like would happen if a ceiling fell on you. We will be in full turn out gear and with our air packs, crawling around in the freaking dark or have something over our mask. Bob purchased me Lineman cutters to keep in my gear. He assured me that any wires I may encounter in training and or the test wouldn't be live. In a real situation even then the wires will be phone and cable, nothing of any substance and the most that would happen is my cutters would get broken. It will be kinda of nerve wracking because if we have to activate the PASS device like in a real life situation, well that thing is so loud... So we will see.
So to say in the next two months I have a lot going on is an understatement. I told my class that when we finish our end test and if we pass I will provide Petron shots for those of us who are old enough to celebrate. We have just one in class who isn't. Then Bob said "And Mary wants to go out for drinks after." Since I don't drink much for fear we will get a call BUT I am planning and told Bob I plan on not going out for any calls that night...
Have a great day!

Musings

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Well it's a snowy morning here in Maine and I've been up since 3am... I went to bed knitting instead of reading. It was no easy feat trying to do the basketweave pattern and stay awake long enough to not make a mistake. I hadn't knitted all summer and into the fall because I had gotten so discouraged because my daughter's Boxer puppy would destroy every project and needles I was using. I finally figured out I just couldn't leave any of my knitting around, not even in tote bags. She would figure out some way to get it out and destroy. So I am back to knitting again, not at the speed I was previously but knitting and enjoying. I have too many other things going. Editing my first book for publication in June and classes with my Fire Department for Fire Fighter 1 & 2.
I happened to read an article in last month's Down East Magazine about a woman who loves to knit. The title escapes me but it was about none other then Pam Allen who wrote "Knitting for Dummies" , is a sweater designer and now has a company in Portland called Quince & Co that sells yarn and patterns. What I like about the yarn besides the nifty names like Lark,Chickadee, Finch, Osprey,Puffin and Tern is like with Finch which is a fingering weight that could be used for knitting socks it's color names like Rosa Rugosa, Clay, Leak, Marsh, Honey or as in Osprey which is a Aran weight like what you would use to knit an irish sweater. She hopes to some day be using more Maine wool which I would find even more attractive.
I'm also besides my editing on "The Kings of Angkor:Army of a Thousand Elephants I am doing research on world history, but focusing on England at the times of 1113 and when Suryavarman II became king. Just to give a look at what was going on in the world besides Angkor Wat.
So those are my thoughts and musings on this snowy morning. It will be fun trying to find quiet with the boys home.